Today, of course, is the feast of St. Valentine, the winged baby-man of lore who enjoyed machine-gunning young lovers. Or something like that.

Some of us celebrate the day with greeting cards, flowers and chocolates. Others... don't. (And I'm not just talking about the Saudis.)

But today is also V-Day: A dreary, humorless, utterly unromantic "holiday" born somewhere in Manhattan a decade ago and foisted upon colleges and universities around the world with the modest aim of upending patriarchy, liberating women's sexuality and eradicating violence and rape. Lovely.

The Loch Ness Monster is probably dead, the latest casualty of global warming.

"Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years," the Daily Record reports, "the trail has since gone cold and (Nessie hunter Robert Rines) believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming."

Well, that settles it, then. Two wrongs might not make a right, but perhaps two hoaxes make a fact.

If you are bummed out about Rudy Giuliani or John Edwards dropping out of the race, I believe I have found the cure: Mozart's Turkish Rondo deftly performed on five-string bass guitar!

Having trouble sleeping? Then whatever you do, don't read this Classical Values post about a "horrendous development" in menswear.

Is it just me, or does every new trend and innovation require a goofy catchphrase? The Chicago Tribune has a story today about professionals (like me!) who are not tied to an office. The name for these people is "moofers" and the verb what what we do is "moofing" -- as in "mobile out of office." As opposed to hoofing to an office every day.